Death is not currently poking me in my back as far as I know. And yes, I did have this incredible urge to knock on wood three times when I typed that. Or say something like, 'now that I said that.' All the fear and anxiety that just allowing the thought to enter your head brings and its no wonder that death isn't a popular water cooler topic.
But it should be.
I think that our society fails miserably in its practice of dealing with death. I think we try to wrap it up into some ridiculous package of meaningless rituals all while forgetting the most important thing. Death is a part of life. And depending on your religious or spiritual views, death is a transformation. But even that knowledge doesn't hit the nail on the head. Because death means far more to the people who are living than it does to the one who died.
To the people left behind, we try desperately to make sense of it. Not because it is complicated - we live, we die. But because we're never given the proper skills to process it. If you have a strong sense of faith, then you probably have more skills than most. But even then, the traditions of our society still dictate how, when, and what is an 'appropriate' or 'acceptable' way to express grief or recognize the life of the person who died.
It has been my experience that we can be our own worse enemy. Death is not a fun subject and in our own discomfort we are too willing to brush others aside in order not to have to deal with it. Its no wonder that people feel so alone when someone dies. It's not just the loss of their loved one that causes the vacuum, its the loss of everyone else.
I don't have any answers other than to say that I believe there is no wrong way to deal with it. If you're dealing with a loss and you do something that makes you feel better, then that was the right thing to do. And if you're trying to help someone dealing with a loss, be the person who sticks. Be open to hear the pain. And learn. . .because you'll be there one day, too. We all will.
Now, knock on wood three times, and have a great week!
FUn article. Death, living on a farm gave me a very practical view. The seasons, all that help. But in America we give very little time to loss..which is what death is, its a loss of relationship, of comfort, of position, space. I watched my dad suffer for 17 years with a life threatening illness. WHen he finally succumbed I had grieved and done my work. I was really happy he was not suffering anymore. But all through life there are moments I miss him, it would be so right to share with him 'this moment'. Our family talks about him and those times. We are valuing his life and letting a little bit more grief out each time.
ReplyDeleteBut when I had to put down my favorite goat...well ther are just no words to replace the nuzzling, the barn times, the memories of kidding etc. Again Life take time and space and with death the space is empty. I would like to wear a black band to commemorate those I feel loss about.
I think that dealing with loss is a forever thing. And I think we spend too much time in our society ignoring that fact. We are encouraged to spend more time getting over it than living it. In 2009, I lost seven people, including my grandfather and a very dear friend just three weeks apart. We don't get over it, we just make room for it and go on. I still miss them dearly.
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