This quote is quite famous in my family and it happened one morning before I had children while we were visiting family. My nephew was having a battle with his mom over whether he should have beck-skus (breakfast) or cake. I don't remember who won. But I remember thinking, of course he wants cake! We all want cake! Why can't we just have cake?!?
Anthony was awesome and probably taught me more about being a mom than any other child. He was smart. (He took his training wheels off his bike before his 5th birthday and rode it like he'd been doing it all his life.) And he had his own opinions and he let them be known. So what if everybody thought he looked cute in his Osh Kosh overalls? He didn't want to wear them so he sat on the stairs until they were taken off. His mom, who had the patience of Job, would properly challenge him to do whatever she needed to do. Sometimes she won. Sometimes she didn't. But watching their exchanges, you got a glimpse into the inner workings of the United Nations. Challenge. Discussion. Compromise. Three words that best describe the job of being a parent. (or challenge, discussion, challenge, challenge, cave, challenge, discussion, discussion, compromise, compromise, challenge, discussion, and so on. . .you get the picture)
When I had children, I had developed my own ideas of parenting. I have to stop here and acknowledge that very few of those ideas made the final cut. Shall we list a few just for fun?
No kids in bed with mom and dad. (spectacular fail) This one ended with my very first at three days of age when I accidentally fell asleep with her while nursing in bed and felt like a human being when I woke up.
Sleep training. (total fail) That poor first child. . .they have to suffer through all those pathetic attempts at doing something you 'thought' was a good idea because you read it in a book. I tried it once, but when I went to check why she was so quiet, I could see her tear-streaked face and she was doing that post-cry hiccup in her sleep. I picked her up and rocked her while she slept and apologized.
Obedient children in public. (uh, yeah, right) How do you even create this? My first child, yea that one, liked to pretend babies laying on the floor were ponies for her to ride. Moms would pick up their babies off the floor when we would walk in. Smart moms. Once when I had both girls, I was with a group of moms at a restaurant and one of them looked at me and said, "You are amazing. You are such a patient mom." (Translation: your kids are brats and I don't know how you stand it.)
No sugar or preservatives. Obviously parents who are successful at this have live-in chefs, never turn on a TV, never eat out, and don't have relatives who think its cute to give a baby ice cream. I humbly salute you.
One of the things I realized later was that every rule I broke brought me closer to the mom I wanted to be. Every challenge I made to myself, to others, to the books, helped me to clarify what was most important to me. It helped me to look at my children and celebrate who they were meant to be. Instead of judging value by what others say, I developed my own values. And I agreed with Anthony. I didn't want beck-skus. I wanted cake.
The cake of being a mom. . .that's easy. Appreciating where you are. Seeing your children as the unique, facinating, exasperating human beings they are and being okay with that. Keeping an open mind. Reading your heart more than you read a book. Listening at least as much as you talk. Patting yourself on the back for the hard work you do. Knowing that your were meant to parent the children you have. (I totally believe this. My mom swears by it in the you'llhaveonejustlikeyou sorf of way, but I think there is a bigger purpose, too.)
One unexpected surprise that I received once I let myself off the Good Mother hook was that I realized that I love kids with a little spice. I was blessed with three. Standing toe-to-toe with a four year old who refuses to wear anything other than pink sandles with flowers on a day when its 22 degrees outside can be frustrating, but inside you have to cheer this kid on! Good for YOU! Fight for those sandles, baby! Know what you want! (but please not today when Mommy is in a hurry. . .)
I can't believe I'm actually saying this out loud, but I respect my children when they challenge me. They are supposed to. I don't believe children learn to be truly independent by being told, "when you get older, you get to have a say." They need to exercise those muscles and trust in their abilities to have an opinion, support it, and deal with the outcome. This doesn't mean they get their way. But it does mean they get their 'say.'
As your children grow, these things still stick. You still celebrate those moments when your children forge their own paths that will no doubt look very different than yours. Yea, blue hair! Good for you! Tattoo. . .yeagoodforyou. Those moments that looked like pig-headed stubbornness when they were little magically transform into unstoppable determination. The moment when my first child looked at me and said, "I'm moving away to finish college," I knew it was a done deal. She got her degree just as easily as she got to wear pink sandles (with the compromise of socks) in 22 degree weather.
And those moments when they happen to do something that mirrors your values, they are even sweeter. Because you KNOW they questioned and challenged and decided your way wasn't so bad afterall. But you will find that you will cheer just as much for the times when they are not on your team as you do when they are. They may not be on your team, but you will forever be on theirs.
Go team. Eat cake.
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